Zombie Survival Guide

Now you're fully settled back in after the holidays, you're back on track, ready to study, earn money again, and you think you have nothing to worry about. But you're wrong.

Because lurking just around the proverbial corner is your greatest fear: a zombie apocalypse. And what does that mean? It means spending those pennies you've saved up on a shiny expensive chainsaw. Not part of the strict spending plan you had accounted for. The good news is, there are several rules a student can follow in order to come out of this ordeal in one piece:

• Your Team.

You know the rules, no going off alone to investigate that rustling at the back of Halls of Residence alone. Preferably, you don't go out to investigate it at all. But if you do have to keep moving, then pick your team wisely. No philosophy students, they'll only slow you down with judgements that your baseball bat can probably make in their place. You've hit the jackpot with chemistry students, and medical students are a must for all non-zombie related accidents (the zombie-related ones being incurable until the chemistry students come up with a cure). Avoid all zoology and vetinary students, as they probably started the pandemic in the first place.

• Your Location.

Although you might prefer to barricade yourself in to your student accommodation, the lack of proper living space, dodgy heating systems and flimsy walls and doors (and possibly ceilings) makes it a poor safe spot. For the first time in your lives, your local library might prove handy. For example, squeezed-together bookshelves break your line of vision (and thus that of your decomposing pursuer), and you are never short of a large, heavy weapon. Internet access means you'll be able to check Facebook for the nearest safe zone, and even Like that 'lol isn't it weird zombies have taken over lol' group everyone's been talking about. Sure, the toilet facilities could use some improvements, but it's probably the least of your worries.

• Your Weapon.

As mentioned before, the chainsaw is too pricey. Sure, you could steal one but likelihood is, trains are off. And if that means walking to B&Q then no chances. Also, the shop alarm is likely to sound like a call to dinner in the minds of the general infected populous. So, make use of those books you spent all your student loan on. Sports students: arm yourselves with gym equipment. Art students, learn how to turn your paintbrushes into makeshift javelins.

• Know Your Enemy.

In order to avoid that awkward headshot when your friend turns into a zombie before your very eyes, learn to recognise the signs. Signs of infection include: a willingness to sleep irregular hours, a disinterest in their studies, a wish of more brains, a rejection of most nourishing food types, poor personal hygiene, and a ragtag fashion sense (inclusive of dishevelled appearance).

So although you should only be on the Internet right now to research the works of Mr Bespectacled Historian III, this article is in fact an invaluable substitute to your studies, being a guide to just one of the many dangers that lurk beneath that relative calm of the student life.

Courtney Ward