Halloween Survival Guide

Back in the day, Halloween conjured up fancy dress parties where the most ingenious costume was a pumpkin complete with torch and the bad eggs got their mucky paws on WKD, used sparklers without gloves, and egged trick-or-treaters. Translated into the University context, we dress up in often hazardous to the health costumes, create toxic punches, run amuck in the city streets, then wake up with glitter in every crevice. At whatever era of life, Halloween is a night of downright riotous behaviour, so, to all the haters, I give you a totally foolproof Halloween survival guide.

One of the main elements that rattle the cage of the Halloween hater, is the nearly naked people. These almost-nudes use the night as a key opportunity to parade what their momma gave them, in an attempt to entice some hot, young thing to sample the goods. Girls take the ‘Mean Girls’ idea that ‘Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it’, to extremes, while guys see it as an opportunity to invite everyone to the gun show. So how do we survive Mr Protein Shake gyrating about in our personal space? Opt for the tactile approach: dress as the honey monster and everyone will want a piece of your fine, furry self. No one’s going to wander over and casually touch someone’s bare skin, however people flock to caress a fluffy beast. Huge, awkward and annoying costumes are always a winner too. Dress as Wall-E and dance like it’s 1999 in your own personal force field.

Standing in a queue is not fun on a regular night out, times this by about a million and include someone’s ‘hilarious’ headgear continuously jabbing you in the face and we have the queue to any venue on Halloween weekend. So it’s going to be great when you get in right, totally worth the wait? Nope. Welcome to a dance floor where personal space is a thing of the past and like it or not, grab your coat, you’ve unintentionally pulled. The phenomenon of a club vaguely resembling the inside of a train in Tokyo, is something that can’t be changed but can be made more tolerable. Get to your destination cringingly early, get your drinks, then activate dance floor domination. When you and your wolf pack have established yourselves, floor space predators will undoubtedly steer clear. By the time the place gets unbearably full you won’t care anyway as you’ll have had your fair share of lemon shandies and will have evolved and adapted to the new, sweaty climate.

So now that you’re slightly more prepared, go forth and fight for air pockets in clubs, conquer the nearly nudes, and have a bloody good Halloween.

By Caroline Gauley