11 Things To Do On Facebook

11 Things you must do on Facebook, or maybe not.

1. Do update your status detailing the undying, everlasting love you have for your boyfriend or girlfriend. It will make all the single people on your friends list ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ and ‘bawww’ at how great and romantic you really are.

2. Do update your status when you are out socialising with your friends. This shows everyone else how great a night you’re having. So great you felt it needed to be shared with that person you used to stay three doors down from and have yet to speak to.

3. Do, while with friends, go on Facebook. When told to stop being so anti-social, respond with ‘what do you mean, anti-social, I’m on Facebook, you idiot.’

4. Do remind people of how beautiful you are with an album consisting of 178 photos of yourself. Of course, these need to be almost identical, although you can mix it up with a change of clothes, hair etc. But do remember to show us your good side.

5. Do inform people, with links to blogs and the likes, of the charitable work you’re doing for whichever third world country’s denizens you felt needed a bit of you in their lives. This will not at all put you in a cultural stereotype and will enable everyone to see the fantastic work you’re doing. Do not forget to post the photos of you drunk next to the locals and acting completely selfless.

6. Do write in textspeak. This will show everyone the grasp you have of the English language and will not alienate you in any way.

7. Do be ambiguous. This enables us to see you have a life outside of Facebook which enables for it. Remember, never elaborate, and only propose to text the select few who commented asking ‘whatsup huni? : ( xxx’. Everyone loves ambiguity.

8. Do mention how boring Facebook is. But do remember to log onto it at least another five times that day to update your status.

9. Do, when you see a funny group, take the name or statement of that group and mould it into a new status update. This will give you that great feeling of satisfaction when you tally up all the ‘likes’ and comments you have received. Well done, you’ve taken your first step into the world of plagiarism. Apply to university.

10. Do be selfish in every sense. Only post about yourself and how great or terrible your life is. This gives you that same feeling you used to have as a toddler when you believed that the universe was completely dependent on you. There is nothing more important in the world than you. And Facebook.

11.Do NOT at any point, read the local, national or international news. The only news you need is on your news feed. Do not concern yourself with other people’s problems and worries, because as we all know - You have your own.

MK